LeadershipConneXtions

The Reasons (Good, Bad and the Ugly) Why People Quit Church

In this post, I want to give some of the main categories for why people leave church. I won't do much by way of commentary on any of them, but in the days that follow, I'll look at some of these issues in a deeper way. These categories are not exhaustive. In fact, I've tried to narrow them down. There may be some important ones that I missed. Some of them may not be the best description. This is just my way to group the dozens and dozens of reasons why people leave a church and why some Quit Church altogether.
 

ONE:
The church is toxic, abusive, deeply dysfunctional, controlling, authoritative...
Get out of there fast.

TWO:
Theological disagreements and differences. This is a wide category and I load into it other issues as well. Core values, political ideologies, philosophical approaches.  In spiritual terms, this would be disagreements about the nature of the "wine" of the Gospel. Or if disagreement is too strong, personal preference is a good one. 

THREE:
Style and methodology issues of endless varieties. Whether it is preaching styles, worship styles, church growth strategies, church organizational ways, evangelism styles, etc. In biblical terms, this is often disagreements about preferred "wineskins."  And boy do we have strong preferences.  And that is okay. What we do about those preferences is another matter.

 

FOUR:
Generational differences. At the least, these always involve the issues in number three - style and methodology. With our modern - postmodern divide that is upon us, they usually involved issues in number two as well - theology and values.  I really understand this and sympathize with it as well.

FIVE:
Institutional renewal is needed. Or to say it this way, renewal of the church that has become institutional is needed. What will that renewal look like?  Even those who are "in house' and "in agreement" on theology and methodology in a particular church may realize that renewal is needed. The wine and wineskins need renewal, spiritual energy poured into them. And yet, sometimes the church that needs renewed, resists this renewal.  (I'll talk about this one tomorrow.)

SIX:
My needs aren't being met. Okay, pick one. Pick a half dozen. You have them. The church isn't doing enough about them. You leave to find a church that will.  And if there is a sexier, edgier, cooler, bigger, smaller, church that will - you leave to find it.

SEVEN:
What the church isn't doing. Sometimes we are satisfied with what the church is doing, but our dissatisfaction is about what the church is not doing that we believe it should be. I may like the preaching, I may like the singles group that I am a part of, but i am also passionate about social justice and radical service of the inner city poor, and my church isn't doing that. I want a church that is. So, the good stuff that I like, isn't enough.  There is other good stuff that isn't taking place.

EIGHT:
I am bored. Been there, done that, heard that idea, yup, heard that sermon before, done the small group thing, tried adult Sunday School, worked in the youth program, blah, blah, blah, blah... By the way, this is a real issue and it is very real for what I call "middle age Christianity." After you have followed Christ for about 20 years... it is hard for church to be fresh.  I recently taught on this theme to a group of Christ followers, most of whom had been Christians for 20+ years. There were a lot of nodding heads. More on this one soon.

NINE:
Personal life choices that I make that are bad. I am sleeping with my boyfriend. The pastor preached against this. I don't like that. I am out of here. (or) The pastor and elders told me I don't have grounds for divorce, but they don't understand, who are they to tell me what God's will is. I am out of here. (or)  The church tells me I should tithe. I have no interest in doing that. I don't want to feel guilty. I don't like the pressure. I am out of here. (or)  I don't want to forgive that person who hurt me... I don't want to serve... I don't want to... and I do want to do what I want to do.  I need a church that is more tolerant of my lifestyle choices. And when the church isn't tolerant and willing to pretend that you are justified in your bad choices... people easily leave. I could tell you endless stories of people who left the church and behind it was a wrecked life due to their bad choices for which they were unrepentant.

TEN:
Our culture's relentless pressure that is shaping us into people who are not easily capable of deep, covenantal commitments.  We are the quintessential customers and consumers.  Add in to that the personal narcissism that we are encouraged to have and live out of... and that makes covenantal commitment pretty hard. Not to mention sacrificial service on behalf of others.  Not to mention patience, forbearance, forgiveness and a whole lot more necessary stuff for doing community and life together.

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There are probably some other MAJOR categories, but this is what I came up with. Some of these are good, some are bad and some are just ugly. Often, there are multiple reasons involved for leaving a church. I'll try to navigate some of these in the days to come.

Brian K. Rice
Leadership ConneXtions International
www.lci.typepad.com

Dating, Living Together, Marriage, Separation, Divorce, Custody Battles: A Metaphor for Church

This blogsite is devoted to providing daily reflections on leadership, spirituality, church, mission and culture. Every now and then I throw in a few theological reflections as well. For me, all these topics weave together. 

I do think the church needs outstanding leadership as we make our way through these "in-between" times... as we move from modernity to post-modernity, from Christendom to post-Christendom. The church is HUGELY affected by all that is going on. 

So for about ten days now, a lot of posts have been reflections about the church. There are some more to come. I hope these posts inspire personal reflection and conversations, and even more, that they help you move into a deeper commitment to and love for the church.  -bkr-

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I need to make a distinction in this post which I should have made in the post I did that was launched out of Quitting Church. 

It is one thing to Quit Church and quite another to quit a church. I am very critical of Quitting Church. I understand "leaving" (let's use the nicer word) a particular church. I think it should always be a serious matter for a person to leave a church for another one. This should be a thoughtful, discerning process where integrity and love, conversation and prayer guide the way.

I have numerous friends who have left a church after a long process where they did exactly what I described in the previous sentence. I believe they honored the church, Christ and their own integrity in how they proceeded in this matter. They had legitimate reasons for leaving a church and they did so in a healthy way. They left one church and went to another. There are hundreds of people at our church, who are there, having left another church. For so many of them, it was not an easy choice and one that delayed for a long time. 

I also know people (unfortunately their numbers outweigh the other category) whose reasons were "suspect" and whose process was unhealthy and irresponsible.  And therefore - the Outcome was bad. And so many of them didn't just quit a church... they  Quit Church... and they are now nowhere, except on the golf course and in a Starbucks or in a living room and calling their experience - church.

By the way, I have some of my very best spiritual conversations and mentoring, etc. in coffee shops. They are awesome times... but they aren't church!

Tomorrow, I am going to give a list of reasons  (some good, some bad and some ugly) why people leave church, and then begin to comment on those reasons in the days that follow.

Joshua Harris has written a book - Stop Dating the Church:  Fall in Love With the Family of God. I haven't read his book (yet). I am just borrowing his metaphor for moment. And borrowing the biblical idea of covenant. 

What if the relationship of an individual with a local church is akin to that of covenantal marriage? (Or should be covenantal marriage!) Using that image/idea, here are a few thoughts. Perhaps I push the metaphor too far... but on the other hand, maybe it is some food for thought.

And I think it helps us understand why the pain levels are so high as we navigate our relationship with the church.



ONE:  A lot of people just date the church. Is that good or bad? Is dating a good thing? If so, how long should one date? What is dating? What does dating imply about commitment? 
 

TWO:  There are serial daters who don't have much interest in any particular church, they just like dating. 

We call them church shoppers and church hoppers.

THREE:  There are some people who no longer date. Bad experiences. Blind dates... Bummer dates... Burned once or burned too many times and just won't do it. As painful as loneliness is, it is not as bad as the pain of a bad relationship.  
 

FOUR:  There are some people who decide to "live together" with a particular church.  They move in, they commit (to a degree), but they do so with reservations, with conditions, and with an escape route easy to take.  

Should it surprise us at all that this popular approach to relationships in general is also transferred to how many people choose to relate with a church? 
 

FIVE:  There are a lot of people who date a church, live together with a church and who even take the plunge of covenantal commitment with a church, mainly so they can have their needs met.

Again, this shouldn't surprise us. Think about the realm of interpersonal relationships. Why does anyone date? Is it because their main thought is - I want to give of myself to someone... I want to meet their needs...?  I want to live my life in the service of them becoming all God wants them to become. Of course not. We date because we are needy, we want our needs met... and when the other person does not meet our needs - we end the dating relationship.  Our fundamental question is not:  Who needs me to give to them? Who needs me to meet their needs? Our fundamental question is - who can meet my needs?  The same dynamic is at work in our relationship with the church. 

Just like with a personal relationship, when it comes to the church, we all have our lists of required qualities the "other/the church" must have for us to be interested.

Some of us are very picky...  I'm not saying that is good or bad... But we are very picky... I wonder how often we think of the other person being just as picky about us?
 

SIX:  There are some people who unwisely, prematurely take the plunge of covenantal commitment. And it is the wrong fit, the wrong person, they are the wrong person, they are part of the "not fit" for one another. First impressions. Strong needs. Impulsive decisions. Romantic, idealized, distorted images. Not understanding the nature of the covenantal commitment. Not counting the cost. Not realizing that "marriage" is not a picnic by any means. It happens a lot.

Just like in dating, it is easy to do two things. First, to give wrong impressions, or distorted impressions to the other. We can all "clean up our act" for a season to impress and win the other person. Second, to naively overlook obvious flaws (even danger signals) and think - this will change later.

So now - we have made a less than desirable choice?  What to do.....
 

SEVEN: Bad marriages. Or weak, uninspiring ones that are stalled, stuck, in a holding pattern, disappointing. Sometimes they last a long time in this condition. Sometimes a relationship with a church is exactly like being in a weak or bad marriage. And there is a host of reasons why weak/bad marriages develop. You show up, you are there, but just going through the motions.  Sometimes we work hard at bad marriages and they don't change. Other times, we don't work too hard at them.  (See the follow up in point nine.)
 

EIGHT: Abusive relationships. They happen. They are horrible. Immediate and courageous action is needed to end it.  And then loving, restoring, healing work is needed for the one who has been abused. Whether in a personal relationship or a church - make strong, decisive actions to get out of an abusive relationship.
 

NINE:  Separation!  In an interpersonal relationship, it is easy to see when this happens. One person moves out. When this is applied to a church relationship, it looks a little like this. You begin to show up intermittently. And then stop showing up at all. Why bother? You have checked out. You just haven't made it fully official. You start going out to explore other options. You may or may not take some serious steps to try and work on the relationship. More often then not (when it comes to the church) we don't take serious steps to work on things (we don't go for church relationship counseling).  We just try to muster up our energy to hang in their longer, to endure and hope it will change. It rarely does. 
 

TEN:  Divorce. In a marriage relationship, divorce is an official, legal, cross a line decision that is recognized by everyone involved. Divorces are often messy, usually painful, rarely satisfying in their conditions, and which have lingering consequences for everyone. The kids are always affected. The larger Family and Friends are torn and sad. Which side do we listen to?  Who do we believe? What do we do now? 

Using this image/metaphor, here is the twist for a church. In too many situations, the divorce happens secretly. No word is given, the person just disappears. There is no closure. Later it is discovered that so and so is dating someone else. And boy does that ever feel bad.
 

ELEVEN:  Remarriage... or not... It is not uncommon to find people who have been married three or four times.  In the world of marriage, here is what the statistics tell us. A second marriage is more likely to end in divorce than was the first one. The third marriage even more so. Is there any parallel with the church?

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I did this extended metaphor "bit" because leaving a church is usually painful and that pain is similar to leaving a personal relationship. There is a fair similarity to the marriage relationship. This may give us another window to think about the issue of leaving a church and why we feel the way we feel.

Tomorrow - my list of Main Reasons why people leave a church and why some Quit Church.

Brian K. Rice  
Leadership ConneXtions International  
www.lci.typepad.com 

From Church Critic to Church Contributor (Brian Newman)

Here is an idea from Brian Newman that made a lot of sense to me. Brian has worked in a variety of roles within the church (Lead Pastor in Amsterdam, Executive Pastor in Denver) and for many long years in a missional capacity to plant churches and train leaders of churches. So he has wrestled with church issues from a variety of roles. Thanks for your good thoughts Brian.  -bkr-

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I'm thankful for the conversation Brian Rice has instigated about the Church and people exiting (see Quitting Church which Brian has well reviewed). I made a comment to Brian's review on the LCI blogsite and here are some further reflections.

It’s an “open secret” that people are leaving the institutional Church in droves. Books are published on the topic, people blog about it frequently. It is not unusual for a Christian to be in a conversation and say, “When I was part of that church…”

But what about the “stay-ers,” those who choose to stick with their local congregation through thick and thin? How does one stay well? It’s one thing to stay in a church and complain about it from the inside. It’s another to stay in that congregation and to be an active participant and contributor. The latter takes great humility and a heart surrendered to God. The former takes … well, I won’t get into that rant!

The church I have served for the past three years has gone through a very difficult split, and then a further splinting. I have seen many people leave the church, and a minority stay. In commending that “faithful remnant,” I have observed some qualities in them that has encouraged my heart and challenged me to continue to be part of this messy body of Christ.

These stay-ers SERVE. In general they have served for many years in a variety of ways. They serve God and His Kingdom first and foremost. Show me a person who is actively serving in a church and I would bet they will hang in there through thick and thin.

These stay-ers are OTHERS ORIENTED. People who positively contribute are more concerned with the welfare of others than themselves. This is a HUGE attitude and mindset issue. People who are “consumer Christians,” those who go to a church for the sermon, the music, the children’s or youth programs ask the question, “What will I get out of this church?” Contributors ask, “What can I give to others?”

These stay-ers want the church to GROW. That is, contributors have a concern for their own personal growth as well as the maturity of the congregation. Those who leave tend be on the “remedial track” for maturity because they do not journey for the longer term with the same community who could challenge them. Those who stay have a much greater opportunity to mature in the context of long-standing relationships.

These stay-ers are ultimately POSITIVE. Contributors believe the local church serves an important function in the Kingdom of God as well as in society at large. The local church is not perfect, in fact it is awfully messy at times. And yet it is the conveyor of grace and truth and hope. It is a “bride” waiting for the bridegroom. It is a body with different parts serving together.

I believe the greatest challenge is to remain in a local church and go through the paradigm shift from critic to contributor. So, are you a stay-er? If so, hopefully you will have the fortitude to be a contributor to what God is doing through your local church.

Brian Newman

Christian Associates International

Step Up Enterprises

Correction to Yesterday's Post on Infographic...

Hey, I need to give a quick corrective to the Infographic Post I put up yesterday. If you check out the comments about this post, you'll notice a friend of mine (Rich) followed the story backward to check out sources.

It turns out that the article I posted, they stated it backward from what was originally said.  The darker the color, the more people perceive their government as corrupt.  Therefore, America does very well and the countries in dark (as you would expect) do poorly!

For me this was an interesting lesson in "don't necessarily trust a report you find."  How do you know it is factual?  How do Urban Legends start?

And also interesting in that, even though the report went against some common sense, just because it was "officially stated" it caused confusion and misunderstanding. It had credibility that it should not have had.

So the lesson - don't always trust what you read when it claims to be giving facts.

Rich, thanks for catching this...

Brian

For a Better Church You Need Better Followers of Jesus...

For a better church, you are going to need better followers of Jesus. And while I do not want to ignore the fact of community, we need to turn the gaze inward first, before we start to put the blame on how others are inadequate.

I've been on a bit of rant and rave lately, thinking about the critics who love to complain and put the blame everywhere but on themselves. In a post a few days ago (What is Wrong With the Church: Dear Sirs...)  I mentioned that this is bad psychology, spirituality, theology, etc. Here are the insights of a few others on this issue:

You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end, each of us must work for our own improvement and at the same time, share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful.  Marie Curie 

I like this word from Marie Curie quite a bit. If you don't like something you are a part of, then get to work to make it better… but first, make sure you are becoming a better person yourself. If that (you becoming a better person) doesn't happen, it is doubtful that you will be able to make a better world (or church, or team, or mission, or organization).
 

Huxley, in the same vein, had this to say:  
I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.  

And for every one who has worked very hard to change your "self" you know how hard it was/is just to change your self...  Now, think about trying to change an entire organization of "selves!" That is a whole lot harder.
 

And how about this thought from Erich Fromm. 
Man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself. 
I don't think I go quite as far as to say this is THE main task in life, but it sure does rank pretty high and deserves a spot on the short list.
 

Neither Curie, Huxley or Fromm are talking about a narcissistic self-centered preoccupation with one's self that ignores community. They are describing the Brute Fact - that if any external, organizational change is to happen, it is launched from within, by changed individuals.

My friend Brian Newman talks about the need to move from Critic to Contributor. I think a huge part of that process is the journey of self-awareness and personal development of one's inner world.  

Brian K. Rice  

Leadership ConneXtions International
www.lci.typepad.com

Infographic of the Day: The 2009 Corruption Perceptions Index | Design & Innovation | Fast Company

via www.fastcompany.com

Here is a fascinating link to public perception of corruption within one's country. The lighter the color, the higher the percentage of perception about corruption. Be ready to see how bad the public perception is in the USA.

Developing Leaders in the Local Church (Tim Adour)

My friend Tim Adour got the leadership bug a bunch of years ago. When I say he got the bug, I mean two things. He got the bug to grow as far as he could as a leader. And then he got the bug to develop others for leadership. So, here is Tim, the senior pastor of a large Assembly of God church in the Bronx, and he gives some of his very best time doing leadership development. 

Tim recently made a comment on FACEBOOK about one of his evening training programs (on appreciative inquiry - good stuff) and I asked Tim if he would tell the readers of this site a little about the training programs he runs for leaders at his church.

-bkr-

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Question: What do you do when you have dozens of quality local church leaders who have a passion for their area of ministry, have been leading that ministry for years, want to see that ministry prosper, but are not sure how to get where they know they want to go? 

Answer: Train them.

Recently I heard someone say, “The church is one of the few organizations that give people leadership positions, but do not train them properly.  I would suggest this is a true statement.  Certainly, the church is full of loving, dedicated and sacrificial people; however, these qualities, by themselves, do not make a leader.

I would further suggest that local church senior leadership enable an atmosphere that tolerates non-trained leadership roles.  Due to our own lack of training, failure to recognize the need for training or an overloaded schedule we do not provide instruction that would enhance the overall ministry of the local church. 

Before I say anything further, let me admit my past guilt in this regard.  In my case, I didn’t see the value in investment in other leaders, or myself for that matter; therefore, I was content with filling positions, not developing skilled leaders.  I thank God He put people in my life that helped me overcome such a notion.

Over the past few years there is a 3-pronged approach I’ve followed in training local church leadership.  1) Personal Leadership.  2) Leadership Development. 3) Good to Great. 
 

Personal Leadership

The idea behind this class is we cannot lead anyone until we have first learned to lead ourselves.  In my opinion, the first place to start in self-leadership is personal holiness.  Too many of God’s people live under the philosophy of “Situational Holiness.”  Situational Ethics bases right and wrong on what is happening at the moment.  Situational Holiness picks and chooses what biblical principles I’ll follow based on convenience.  Obviously, this leads to an undisciplined life of holiness before God.  Therefore, we spend several weeks reading and discussing Jerry Bridges’ book, The Pursuit of Holiness.  It is one of the most practical books on holiness I have read. 
 

Leadership Development

This course continues the self-evaluation theme of Personal Leadership, but addresses specific aspects of leadership.  We begin with the subject, Permission to Fail.  God is not looking for perfection, just commitment.  We then move into a lengthy discussion of Brian Rice’s Four Mindsets of a Leader.  We will spend 2, maybe 3 weeks reviewing this material.  Finally, we move into the practical realities of Dream big, Plan well, Work hard and Leave the rest in God’s hands. 

 

Good to Great

The previous 2 courses are geared for just about anyone.  Those in leadership or those who are thinking about leadership will glean from the above 2 programs.  Good to Great is much more intense and is for those serious about becoming great leaders.  Of course, we use Jim Collins’ book, Good to Great.  However, we filter this book through scripture.  We begin the course with a discussion about “All truth is God’s truth.”  We then methodically go through Collins’ book and discuss all the principles that can be validated by scripture.  Believe it or not, most of the book presents godly principles.  It is quite an experience.  

 

Tim Adour
Church of the Revelation
Bronx, New York

 

A Prayer From Anselm

Many, many years ago I first heard  Anselm's comment: I do not seek to understand so that I can believe, but I believe so that I may understand. I have always liked Anselm's presuppositional statement of faith. Believe in terms of faith and trust makes belief in terms of understanding and knowledge possible. 

But I never knew the context of this quote until my friend Gordon Carpenter passed on this prayer to me the other day. I pass it on to you as well for your own reflection and edification. And may we all believe so we may understand.
 

Lord Jesus Christ: Let me seek you by desiring you
and let me desire you by seeking you;
let me find you by loving you,
and love you in finding you.

I confess Lord with thanksgiving,
that you have made me in your image,
so that I can remember you, think of you, and love you.
But that image is so worn and blotted out by faults,
and darkened by the smoke of sin,
that it cannot do that for which it was made,
unless you renew and refashion it.

Lord, I am not trying to make my way to your height,
for my understanding is in no way equal to that,
but I do desire to understand a little of your truth
which my heart already believes and loves.

I do not seek to understand so that I can believe,
but I believe so that I may understand,
and what is more,
I believe that unless I do believe, I shall not understand.

Amen

Anselm
1033 - 1109

Brian K. Rice
Leadership ConneXtions International
www.lci.typepad.com

Five Ways to Really Tick Off Your Employees | Management Escalator | Fast Company

Five Ways to Really Tick Off Your Employees | Management Escalator | Fast Company

Here is a short article that is worth reading. It has some "stunning" stats in it.
54% of employees plan to look for a new job as soon as the economy changes.
71% of younger workers will do this.

Here are five things leaders/bosses/employers are doing that really hurt morale.

A Brief History of Spirituality

I had picked up this little book a few months ago and read it the other evening. It was a good several hours spent in reviewing the broad scope of Christian spirituality through the centuries. 

Here are a few thoughts I had.

ONE:  We have a very rich and deep history of women and men who pursued hard after God in their era. Over the years I have read many of the devotional classics of the Christian faith. The problem is that they are written centuries ago and many of us have difficulty with the style and content. If you are interested in exploring this part of our heritage, I would recommend two different books by Richard Foster which are collections of readings and guided reflections. 
 

   

Devotional Classics by Richard Foster
Spiritual Classics by Richard Foster

TWO:  I was also hit by the theme of renewal. The church is always in need of renewal. This brief historical survey reminded me again of how God has worked to renew his church and mission throughout history. I found myself longing for renewal again.

THREE:  I was also reminded of the need for a holistic and integrated spirituality. Throughout our history, it is easy for a person or group to focus on just one aspect of the spiritual life. We need a spirituality that is:

(1)  mystical (connects us with the life of God through Christ)

(2)  moral (changes us internally so we become good, holy, godly, fruit of the Spirit, etc.)

(3)  missional (launches us into redeeming engagement with the world around us)

It is easy for a group or a person to focus on just one aspect and therefore become imbalanced.

FOUR:  And it was comforting to know there is a great tradition and a cloud of witnesses of which I am a part. In my own struggle to be faithful,  God has provided roots and guidance and directors for my own journey. I am deeply appreciative of this.  Part of my ministry is helping contemporary followers of Christ get in touch with this heritage.

Brian K. Rice
Leadership ConneXtions International
www.lci.typepad.com